Using My Own Words

I've been teaching about thirty-five men in a program called Freedom Academy for a few months now. It's a program designed to help men who've suffered addiction (and all of the collateral damage) through a recovery process--I'm there teaching from my book, The Uncompromised.

Just a couple of days ago I raised the bar. "We're looking beyond "staying clean". We're looking at what you really want, what your big dreams are and we're going to get busy creating plans to make it all happen. None of this feeling good as you think about living how you want. We're going to go to work to actually make it happen."

One guy started us off and I coached him to get clear on what he would actually do to get his dreams out of fantasy land. I was both helping this guy and encouraging others to powerfully and positively engage him so we could get the ball rolling as to how we'd work the next guy--and the next.

I decided to go second and open myself up to them regarding one of my challenges. Next thing I knew 9 different guys were hitting me with what they saw and how I was compromising. Then the coup de grace--a guy raised to speak--and he did.

He spoke humbly for about 20 seconds as he quietly searched through my book. I was pretty sure that he was looking down because was nervous to speak publicly-- and that my book just happened to be in his hands. "Now Ron, you say here in Chapter 15... “…entertaining such thoughts makes your daily life harder while compounding the insanity of feeling like something should be different.” " I started laughing at the irony and the fact that he'd hit the nail on the head concerning the lesson I needed to relearn—using my stuff “against me”!

Humorous and humbling!

Class ended and here I am, reminded to do what I’ve long known.

The truth is, we usually need to learn new things; we need to remember and do what we speak and what we know. Yeah, we'll need to be reminded but if we're lucky--rather, if we're smart, we'll surround ourselves with people who will help remind us of who we are, what we know and subsequently remind us to live accordingly.

Don’t you just wish you knew 35 recovering addicts who are willing to speak the hard truth as they had your back?

In Rigor and Humility,

RR

The Monday Mentality Gone Wild

Everybody is going to start working on something--Monday. Never today, never NOW! It's cliché and it's cliché for a reason.

The problem of course is that people are inspired to excuse themselves from far too many opportunities based on their skewed perceptions of when and what constitutes "good timing". Strung together, these bad decisions to wait, missed opportunities to act and little surrenders of initiative lead to a life of disappointment and forever hibernating dreams.

Let's look at this through the eyes of the sales person with the Monday Mentality.

Summers are like "the big Monday".

People too often think like school children and put off big efforts or new projects for September (think summer break). "I can wait and go after it in September" they say--without actually quite saying that or realizing they've gone into a mental and then practical holding pattern for 2+ months.

The Monday Mentality is more than an event though. It's a toxic way of living which affects everything and everyone around you.

So the year continues...

After the summer--if they can't quite go after it right away, in September, the keeper of the Monday-mentality limps through October, perhaps building a bit of momentum. That brings them to November--and certainly no one does business or gets into a big project around the holidays...better wait until after new years.

And the Monday-mentality is on the loose!

"Okay, let's admit it, everybody knows that sales are really slow in January and February. Let's retool or work on our plans or..."

"Let's be real, late March/early April is Passover and Easter; you don't want to bother people and their families now!"

...and then it's late June again.

There is opportunity--and success in all of its forms available to the woman or man who will stop with fairy tale seasonal excuses and get on with manually crafting their lives--NOW.

The kind of success we all want requires courage and a great dose of enthusiasm and sustained effort. Don't buy the compromise found in fairy tale excuses? You're designed for great stuff...

RR

...and it's still wisdom.

If Charles Manson tells you that 2 + 2 = 4, would you believe him?

If North Korea's Kim Jong Il told you that The Age of Reason, a book by Thomas Paine, was written as an attack on the claims of religion and the legitimacy of the Bible, would his statement be untrue?

Because your favorite reporter, your most adored politician, most loved professor--because your mother, best friend or trusted pastor, rabbi or imam says y is the best policy, peace is necessary through x or that "we" are better or "they" are different or...will it make that assertion true?

Wisdom is wisdom and truth is truth--regardless of its source. Likewise foolishness, folly, ignorance and deceit are each what they are regardless of our affection for their source.

We each need to search for and discover truth and wisdom for ourselves, only then can we possess it and live through it. If we don't get it for ourselves, what we do get won't be wisdom at all. And in fact will have a lot more pain and repeated errors than necessary.

Since you can't borrow wisdom from another and the alternatives to wisdom are frightful (ignorance, blindness, victimhood...), let's each consider what we know and how we know it--and endeavor to be hungry for wisdom.

Uncompromisingly Yours,

RR

Oh the Humility!

Sometime in early November 2010 I wrote an email to Chris Brogan, a dude that I like/respect because he seems pretty darn real and yet a big-time rock star in the social media world.

Well, on a whim I decided, "I'm really cool myself. This dude should know who I am!" So I sent him an email; I hoped to create a connection.

Fine.

Well, as this wasn't a concerted action, more of a throw spaghetti against the wall deal, I completely forgot that I sent the email at all.

About two weeks later I received this:

---------

Howdy Ron,

You wrote:

"Son of a...! My email box is so full of your great posts/blogs that I can't keep up. Seriously, your stuff rocks and is so informative, real and immediately helpful. I can't delete one until I've read it and understand what you're saying.

----------

Well I became giddy! I thought something to the effect of, "First of all, this guy sounds just like me when he writes. Dude, thinks my stuff is good!!! Well, my posts are really real and I do try to be helpful. Wow, what cool feedback from a guy who really knows!!!!"

I not only failed to read the part that says, "You wrote:" but also missed the fact that it sounded so much like me because it was me! The "you" in "You wrote" was me!!! I wrote!

I went from puffed up with pride to quite humble...and amused in about .34 seconds!

Lessons? Gosh, I don't know... Read what you're reading? Recognize your own writing?

I don't know what to say except that I'm still laughing at myself...

RR

Lookin' Good By Acting Aloof?

I watched a performance yesterday (it was a dress rehearsal) where two performers arrived late. Their colleagues were already there, practicing (dancing/singing), despite their absence.

As the two walked in, I sort of imagined them humbly mouthing the words "I'm sorry" or something like that -then briskly moving to get on stage to join their colleagues already engaged in their routine.

Nope.

They rolled their eyes at the director's comment that it was about time. They further denied the director and fellow performers as they leisurely de-frocked, got on stage and nonchalantly went through the motions of the performance.

Hey! Humble up! Apologize! Get engaged at 100% and move on!

Your being cool is not only irritating, but it impacts everybody around you. In the meantime you've exchanged lookin' good for something more fulfilling that's gotten only by giving yourself completely to what you do.

Thank You,

RR

How Do You Appeal?

An appeal was made to me recently that I kind of resent. Not only do I not feel honored or inspired by this appeal, I feel frustrated, and as I said... resentment.

I'm really quick to notice what I have to learn both in my own private life and on this blog but today I want to shine the light 'out there'.

The creators/discoverers of NLP Bandler/Grinder said it best when they said that the meaning of any communication is the meaning that is received. That puts the responsibility to communicate effectively directly on the shoulders of the one communicating.

I've noticed appeals from friends, families, strangers, high school kids wanting to sell $10 discount cards, Girl Scouts and their infernal delicious cookies and the bank teller who suddenly is excited about my banking needs as they chipper-ly tell me about their CD rate of - 1.45%.

When you want something, when you have an agenda... what do you do? Do you become someone else?? Do you turn on the charm? Do you manipulate emotions such as guilt or pity? Do you overwhelm with excitement? It's worth noticing.

What strikes me is that if the bank teller was always nice and friendly to me, asking curious question and/or connecting, I'd be much more open to hearing his/her pitch. It seems to me that we'd better engage people with the best in us, not just when we want something.

RR

Enthusiasm and Investment

I was just thinking about enthusiasm and investment. These two concepts we can't avoid in life. It's just a matter what we are enthusiastic about and what each of us are investing in.

Who is investing in you? What type of energy are they investing in you? Are the people you've invited into your world ripe with enthusiasm -positive attitude and physical energy? If not, how would you describe their quality and level of enthusiasm? Does that merit your investment in them?

What about you? Are you living with enthusiasm? Are you investing in your amazing opportunity called life, with enthusiasm? On what are you spending your enthusiasm/energy?

We all have enthusiasm for something. We all invest energy, time, thoughts and emotion in various things. What kind of life are you most investing in as evidenced by how you are living?

Booker T -An Example of Endurance

There is a lot to be said about the virtues and life of Booker T. Washington (BTW). I'll take the time to share just a little of why he's a hero of mine.

He was born into slavery and became one of the most famous and influential people of his generation. Like the expression goes: The team at the top of the mountain didn't fall there, BTW didn't fall into great fame, influence or an enduring legacy of note.

Up From Slavery is Washington's autobiography which is well worth reading and reflecting upon. It's an enormously compelling story of ignorance, laziness and potential hatred turned wisdom, industry and benevolence.

Though there is almost no good place to start except the beginning, in regards to getting the real impact of BTW's story, let me give you the skinny on what kind of man he was.

After completely changing his life and becoming a teacher himself, he was recommended -even though not white, as a man capable of beginning, heading and providing for a new school in rural Alabama. Long story short -there was no school, there was no financing, there were some good people in his corner but that and an old chicken coop got him a few eggs and not much else.

He created an environment at this 'university' where rigor of learning and dignity in labor reigned. Leading an institution remotely in those days (which was difficult at best) Washington was also obligated to constantly be doing speeches in an attempt to sell people (potential donors) on the virtue of investing in the cause of a people and merit of his ideas for them.

The needs seemingly never ended and so Washington literally spent years walking all over the country from town to town giving speeches to hundreds and to nearly empty rooms. Day after day and night after night and year after year he put himself in places where he could influence change in the hearts and minds of two races.

Sometimes treated like royalty but often treated worse than a criminal, Washington carried on for decades changing society and lifting up a people through his example and extraordinary efforts, until his passing.

The Uncompromised Washington's life is an example of what is possible when we don't get caught up in dabbling, quibbling or too much rest. A life of endurance, awesome service to others, fulfillment in doing what he felt called to do -his legacy is secure.

Rest in peace, Mr. Washington.

RR

Not Deciding is Deciding

iphone 4 or Droid X?

AT&T or Verizon?

Cheaper phone and longer contract or more expensive phone and simply go month to month?

I thought about what I'd do before the iphone came out and as the news of the new Droid became public. My contract with Verizon was up in May. I still couldn't decide what to do, but I don't like the phone I have now.

*The problem with writing about something as rigorous as The Uncompromised is people will hold you to that standard. Well Saturday I was at a NY state park -and there I was with my accountant, who asked if I'd gotten the new phone yet.

I won't say which phone he owns except that he nailed me on my own philosophy when I told him that I'd still not decided. The truth is I know what I want to buy but I'm being lazy by avoiding the stores and waiting for some elusive piece of conclusive evidence one way or the other. He said, "Ron, don't compromise. Just buy the phone."

He knows what I want in a phone and expects me to just decide and do. I thought I could put the decision off. In fact what I've been doing the last 3 months is deciding to use a junky phone that doesn't meet any of my needs. Hmmm. I don't like the sound of that.

And you? In what area of life have you 'decided' to put off a decision but it really has amounted to a compromise of something important for you?

RR

What is Integrity?

Madame Dictionary says integrity is: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. I get that. I think we all think of integrity this way.

Even better though is the second definition: the state of being whole and undivided. Yes!

When we breach our integrity, we undermine who we are at our best -which is who we really are, and we establish ourselves as something else. When we compromise our word/integrity we create a division between our world and who we are. That means our happiness and effectiveness.

Once divided, we are more apt to say and do things that don't reflect who we really are. At best unnecessary struggle begins, and at worst, the race to the bottom begins.

However, as we stand firm and live consistent with what we say we say is important to us, not only do we enjoy the results of being men and women of our words, but we grow in our dedication to being that man or woman. That dedication equals strength and motivation to keep making good decisions.

You are successful and fulfilled to the degree that you'll live out your integrity. Better know what you stand for then, huh?

RR

Enthusiasm's Revenge

I wrote recently about a neck injury I suffered -and still am dealing with. I'd been working out and getting in the best shape of my life, when I suddenly had to stop.

For the first couple of days I found myself enjoying the much-needed rest both my mind and body wanted and needed. During the next few days I lamented that the program I was on would have to be abandoned for a time. As I now head deep into the second week of my inability to do that work out, my enthusiasm for exercise has waned yet my appetite or rather my desire to eat has increased. Sort of an, "If I can't workout, I'll find pleasure here then!" deal.

A couple days ago, I realized I was in a downward slide. I leveled with myself and got that if I didn't change my attitude and my eating -and exercise lightly the few muscles I could, this short-term injury might have a serious impact on not only my exercise routine but worse, cause me to lose enthusiasm in general.

Though I confess I feel a bit lame (literally and figuratively), I 'm not going to let this injury take me out and make me change how I want to do things. If enthusiasm is one of the distinguishing traits, Universal Standards, of The Uncompromised... then I have to have it!

I'm not going to feel bad about myself just because I'm not as strong as I want to be. My life is about bigger things.

What I'm aware of right now, is that enthusiasm is a choice and it doesn't end with one decision...

RR

The Lost Art of Forgiveness

There is a lot to be said about the immense need we as individuals, as well as great cultures and nations, have for true forgiveness. We all have the ability to forgive and let peace be... so what's the problem?

The problem for the one who feels offended, wronged or that something sacred has been somehow transgressed, can be found in a few places. Forgiveness can be hard when:

• You think people are basically idiots.
• You think that your holding a grudge somehow hurts the “offender”.
• You've got a mind/heart for retaliation rather than reconciliation.
• You get attention for being a victim or a martyr.
• You realize that forgiveness can be hard!

The issue facing the offender (the guy or gal that did the wrong-ing) falls into a few categories. It should be self-explanatory why this issue exists, but asking for forgiveness:

• Confirms your guilt.
• Requires humility -sometimes a lot.
• Risks greater loss of community (soiled reputation).
• Means that we have to confront our own shortcomings.

The cultural issue we have, in being able to forgive, comes sometimes from not understanding the above points as well as understanding the process of forgiveness -but just as often from not doing what we do know! If we want to have fantastic relationships with others, and peace with ourselves, it'll serve us all if we do more than consider this process.

As offenders, we need to be quicker to confess/admit and make appropriate restitution for what we've done. Restitution is essentially covering the 'cost' of your error.

If you fail to be there for somebody as promised, restitution might mean that you are extra diligent and go above and beyond in being there for them in the future. If you break somebody's iPod, immediately replace it and offer your help in restoring files etc. The attempt and act of restoration is meaningless without humility in the recognition that you've made a mistake.

As the offended, we need to be quick to forgive and absolute in restoring people. Restoration means that we don't hold a grudge, bring up this error again -and more, we treat people based on who they are at their best. Now that takes humility.

I guess I could have kept this post a lot shorter by saying that the bottom line, in the lost art of forgiveness, is humility.

In Humble Service,

RR

Cranky Guy on the Prarie

I grew up watching Little House on the Prairie -or affectionately, 'Little House'. What a great show it was and is (on DVD) about a good and earnest family, working to make a good life, do good by others and get ahead through honest hard work.

The Ingalls family was made up of a father/husband who was hardworking, honest, a sensitive and a loyal friend. Mom/wife was a diligent, hardworking, industrious, smart, feminine woman. All three children were well-behaved, conscientious, responsible, loving and full of personality.

Ak. I confess that it wasn't until about two years ago that I recognized, why for some time I had been feeling a lingering sense of unhappiness or disappointment. It may sound silly, but it's true, I had some version of the “Little House Ideal" lodged in my brain.

Finding that my own family (to include myself) lacked the industry, piety, humility, discipline and internal fortitude that the Ingalls family displayed so sharply, profoundly and neatly in 60 minutes each week, I found myself constantly disappointed in my situation. Somehow along the line, without me even knowing, I began to chase the elusive horizon of the "Little House Ideal" for what a “good” family meant.

Goals are great! Having an ideal in your mind's eye is a good thing. But we get ourselves in a lot of trouble when we set ourselves up, expecting to reach the ideal. Like the horizon, the ideal is a moving target and just as it is vital in navigating towards something great, it too -to the unconscious goal setter, can cause pain, disappointment and destruction of the very thing you want.

Set great and compelling goals. Heck, even look to the ideal as a source of inspiration, just set your expectations carefully -'cause even if you leave now, you'll never swim and catch the horizon -and you'll definitely drown.

Have a nice day!

RR

Going Someplace

I was at Reagan National Airport recently when a US Air representative (one of those people who announce the flights by the gates) caught my ear, then my eye and then my full attention. Somebody is going to snatch up Bernard before long because he so powerfully exemplifies one of the four attributes of The Uncompromised.

Enthusiasm -it's what moves you, with purpose, to get out of bed in the morning and to engage people and situations in a powerful and positive way. Everybody wants to be around somebody who's alive, enthusiastic.

Boy, did Bernard have enthusiasm! Normally I don't mind having to sit a couple of hours in an airport waiting for my plane; it gives me the opportunity to read and read. But, I couldn't get into my book. Sitting by my gate, I couldn't wait to hear what Bernard would say next -and how he would say it.

I copied a few of his highlights for our mutual pleasure:

Philadelphia 4261 -we are sharing the brotherly love by boarding his flight. Home of the 2008 World Series champions and a whole lot of cheesesteaks... boarding at gate C 31...

US Air flight 8231 to Raleigh is ready to board. Go Heels! Raleigh...where the sky is Tar Heel blue -which is proof that God is a Carolina fan. Now boarding at gate…

Bernard had different material for every city -and each announcement for that city. His enthusiasm showed in his preparation and the energy of his delivery. How many airline representatives go home and practice how they can bring more of themselves to their work? How many of us do?

Bernard's enthusiasm made a difference in the lives of many travelers that night. He seemed to be enjoying himself to.

Fly through Reagan National soon, because Bernard won't be there long.

RR

Do you Have Any Standards (Personal Standards)? Part 2

Values aren't anything special; everybody has values. And more, everybody's values sound wonderful. Nobody has a value called "killer" or "idiot" or "pushover" -that is, nobody has values like these that actually mean what the name insinuates.

People have values like: love, honesty, connection, security, hard work, self-care and the like. But have you ever thought about people like Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin... and their values? Hitler killed 30 million people; Stalin killed 60 million and yet I'd be willing to bet that neither of these men, if you were able to sit down with them and do a values clarification exercise with them, would confess to having values such as: genocide, rape, pillage or S.O.B. No, no, no... their values would sound no different than Mother Teresa's or Gandhi's.

I'd put A LOT of money on the fact that all four of these individuals from the 20th century would have had values that sounded quite similar. I'm sure from Adolf Hitler and Mother Teresa you hear words like "commitment" and "mission" as values. I'm sure Joseph Stalin and Gandhi would speak mutually, yet independently, of their commitment to the values of: "change" and "peace".

How do we reconcile this? Certainly Adolf Hitler was "committed" and on a "mission". So was Mother Teresa. Mohandas Gandhi could very well be the quintessential example of a person who lived the values of "peace" and "change". Joseph Stalin too, worked for "change" and his own version of "peace".

On a much lighter note, but staying on the same theme... I've worked with people who have a value called, "self-care". I've seen people use this value to justify getting a massage, eating cheesecake, eating spinach salad or numbing out with their drug of choice (food, work, porn, drugs or drink). Oh man! I've been one of these people! What does the value "self-care" mean? The answer is, it means whatever we want it to mean, given the right circumstances. This simply can't be good enough.

The above, is just one example of many, where values (which are naturally vague even when there clarified with other words) actually can be used, not to bring people what they really want, but in our moments of weakness, to justify the things we don't want and wouldn't do otherwise. Yikes! Just say no to values.

Go get yourself some Personal Standards!

Soon enough. Stay tuned to Thursday morning's post.

As Always,

Be Good-Don't Compromise

RR

Are You Living a Potemkin Life?

A Potemkin village is phrase based on a historical myth. Though the experts don't completely agree on the truth of it all, the myth goes like this: Russian Minister (and General) Grigory Potyomkin supposedly built fake villages (facades only) along a rail line in order to fool and impress Catherine II -Empress of Russia as she was touring the area, some time around 1787.

Grig's apparent motive was to have Cathy think that he'd conquered some pretty awesome territory and that he was actually a pretty savvy, powerful and all around nifty guy. I wonder how it all worked out.

Well, aren't we guilty of the same thing sometimes? Can't we be guilty of living Potemkin lives where we act one way but our authentic identity (true self) is someone different?

You know, we suffer so much as we try to keep the charade up. You know, we experience so much peace when we accept who we are and let the chips fall where they may.

People are demanding authenticity from everyone and everything these days...Be Uncompromised -demand it from yourself.

RR

Inspired by Insanity

Insanity is a relatively new DVD workout program but it's more.

Look, at our best, we all want to be great, know we're stretching and achieving. In order to do that we need a good plan, we need to get off our soft-sides and we need someone who believes in us deeply -sometimes more than we believe in ourselves.

Shaun T not only puts together an incredible workout program (Insanity) which I'm being both broken and built better by, but he engages me, believes in me and demands more of me. He wants me to mind my form and won't let me compromise what I'm capable of. If this man can pull this off on DVD, I'd like to meet him for real.

Hey, who is your Shaun T? Who is there for you -to both comfort you and expect more from you, for the sake of you being something better?

Man, I can't wait to pop that DVD in today, get my Shaun T hit, then sweat, hurt and believe in me -'cause I survived another challenge, another day.

Grrrr,

RR

When Really Good Isn't Really Good Enough

We've all met, worked with, been employed by or employed people who are good at what they do but have a passion or talent beyond what they are making their life's work.

How do we engage with people who you know are settling? What do you say to the person who you know is compromising and letting a great life slip away because a really good one is happening now?

It's funny to think that the answer to your question will probably speak pretty loudly to your loyalty, commitment and more -your own capacity to settle and compromise -In this case a potentially great and faithful relationship is excused to make room for a a really good or even a merely decent relationship. Too bad.

How do you compromise your relationships? What are you making more important than that person's fulfillment?

RR

The Compromised Uncompromiser

I talk a good game. I talk a good game because I've been up to some big stuff. I've done more in my life then I ever thought I could.

...but things got comfy and I've been on cruise control, enjoying a certain degree of success.

I've written about 30,000 words of a book that I've committed to writing yet haven't written in 2+ months -at least not anything substantial. At first I was taking time to clarify my audience, to reread and edit what I'd written. But now it's been almost 3 months and I can't deny that I'm compromised.

My word to myself, in terms of slotted writing times, I've breeched. Agreements to myself to at least capture this concept or that on paper have found a backseat to clearing of junk from my desk (which did need attention). Again and again I've compromised to the point where I now see blatantly that my compromises of my integrity and identity are because I'm scared.

I'm scared to be an author, the speaker for $10k/hr and coach for $50k/yr. I'm scared that I could have the impact and actually get what I say I want, and I have to deal with it.

The principles/standards for which I stand and live to teach don't need to change; I do.

Where have you been dodging your destiny for noble sounding activity?

RR

Snooze

Boy, at 5am the snooze bar is so alluring. 9 more minutes...

Needed rest...
I'll use this time to think...
I went to bed late last night...
It's only 9 minutes...
I deserve...
Sleeping is good for you, so...
I didn't sleep that good last night so...

The old saying goes, "If you snooze you lose." Yeah, no kidding. When you make a promise to yourself and 'hit the snooze', you compromise your word, your promise to yourself, you sell yourself a line of junk and then you buy it and then you wonder why you can't find clarity in terms of your identity (who am I really) and what your purpose (what am I here for).

It all starts with your word to yourself. Speak only conscious commitments to yourself and follow through no matter what. If your word means nothing to you, no one else will buy your hype, posing and junk dressed up as sincerity and commitment.